Tuesday, April 21, 2009

April 28, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
Motherhood is something that is instinctive to most females whether human or in the animal kingdom. Even if a female does not physically give birth we have a mothering character. Before all of you guys start up with me, if you have been having problems with cows pairing up with a calf or two- there are exceptions to the rule- But for the most part the female species are nurturing by nature. Last fall I bought a couple of horses. I have enjoyed them and since I have been watching them from the window of the living room I have noticed that they are a little different than some of the others horses I have owned in the past. We keep our horses separate from the cattle since dad had had a bad experience with keeping horses with cattle- well, actually it was burros and they chased dad’s young heifers and he lost several calves as a result. So we did not keep horses with the cattle on a regular basis. But a month or so ago a newborn calf got in with my horses. I thought that I should get in the pen right away and get the baby out before they hurt the calf- but I started to watch the horses- What I first thought was aggressive behavior turned out to be a protective behavior. Both the mare and gelding started to lick and clean the calf then they kept the calf in between them and was a defensive with anything that got close to the calf. The calf seemed alright with all of the attention it was getting. When I went out to get the calf out of the horse pen I was not sure that I was going to get out of there with all of me intact. But I retrieved the calf with the help of Jeff and my nephew, Jason.
The horses are a good ‘watchdog’ for coyotes. They perk their ears, and get a little testy when they spot coyotes in the pasture, and they watch the coyotes until they are out of sight. I have wondered what they might do if they were loose and free. I think that I might know. Our barn has a door that goes into the corral where the horses are kept and the door does not go to the bottom of the barn doorway. In fact, there is two and half foot gap so small animal can come and go into the barn. A couple of days ago I went to feed the horses and I found the carcass of a young coyote at the entrance of the barn door that goes to the corral. Since I could not found any reason for this animal to have died at the door. I am thinking that the horses were just taking care of business. Just another thing that makes a person wonder what goes on when they are gone.

April 21, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
We have passed the middle of April- I am one of those who puts off getting my taxes done until the last minute- I do not know what we would do without Johnita Stalculp and Joe Vance and their crews. Tax time is a lot like Christmas not that we receive an unexpected, undeserved gift- and we do not decorate the house or the neighborhood in lights- and we do not get family together to have a large meal and we do not get the day off from work. So I guess tax time is nothing like Christmas except that I procrastinate both of them.
The best thing about April 15th is it is my mother’s birthday. My mom has been and still is a wonderful mom. She set the bar really high when it comes to the wife and motherhood department. Mom rarely was ill while I was growing up. I do not think that she ever got the flu. Well, maybe not never - but she was more resistant to viruses than the rest of us. Dad on the other hand got the flu bug and he usually got it worst than the rest of us. Mom was a good nurse, she made us jello molds and brought our aspirin, and a Pepsi on a little tray. She would make us soup or whatever we wanted and never seemed to mind all of the whining and moaning. And we are a family of moaners. We makes all kinds of sounds. I think that we think as long as we are noisy we are still among the living.
I can remember when Dad and I would come in from whatever we were doing at the yard gate we could smell what we were about to eat. I do not mean this is a bad way- it was wonderful to smell what mom had decided to make for our next meal. I loved it when she would fry chicken and have gravy- or roast beef. Mom always had a meat, veggie, fruit and dessert at most meals. She made sure that there was something there that we liked. Meal time was never a stressful time and the folks never made us eat anything that we did not like. Dad would encourage us to eat everything and would tell us how good it was and what we were missing. Mealtime was when we would tell about our day and what we were planning to do, we would talk about anything and everything. Mom still makes the best baked chicken gravy that I have ever had- I have watched her make it and I do not know what she does differently- but it sure is good.
Mom had different dishes for different types of food. I would get so excited when I saw that she had set the table with the blue and white dishes. That meant that we were going to have spaghetti. We it not have Italian often so it was a real treat. Sometimes she would make floating islands (custard) for Vickie and Virgil when they came home from school. I thought it looked so good- but I do not like custard. She always tried to make something for us or have something for us to eat when we got home from school. If she was not at home- which was not often, she would leave us a note. In the note she would tells us where she had gone when she would be back and then at the end of her note she would always put be good and do not put any beans up your nose. Since the only bean I liked was green beans I could not understand why she thought I would open a can of green beans and stick them up my nose. It was not until I left home that I realized that she meant a dry bean, but still --- why?
Mom turned 89 this year and she is perking right along and doing better than I am most days. So Happy Birthday, Mom! You always made me feel safe and happy.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

April 13, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
We made it through another Easter. Ever since we built the house I always thought that we would have someone out for lunch after church. I think in the past 15 years we have had guests less than ten times. I must admit I am ashamed of myself. But this Easter we had a total of 10 people around our table. It was nice to have lunch and visit with friends and family. Easter has changed for us since we do not have any little ones at the house to color eggs then the Easter Bunny arrives and hides the eggs. Jennifer was the one who got the biggest ‘kick’ out of the finding the eggs and the few little gifts that were hidden. Jim helped the Easter Bunny hide the eggs and there were times that they hid the eggs too well and they were found later- or should I say the odor gave away the hidden egg. I would rather that the bunny would hide the plastic eggs than the real ones. It did not take a rocket scientist to figure out that we needed to count how many eggs the bunny hid so we would know when all of the eggs were found.
When I was little and we would hunt the eggs- my favorite was the solid chocolate eggs. The brightly colored eggs that were large I did not like. I am not sure what they were- but they were prettier than they tasted-it was quite a treat to get candy when I was growing up.
When Jim and I started our own family we did not like the peeps (the colored marshmallow chicks). Since Chelsea has joined our family - she is the peep eater. Jim’s favorite is the chocolate marshmallow eggs and bunnies. Jeff was not a big candy eater- Jennifer liked most anything chocolate-
Easter is not what it used to be when I was a little girl. There was not one Easter hat in church Sunday. I can remember when I always got a new dress and white shoes and gloves for Easter. When Jennifer was little I sat up nights making her a new dress and then we made sure she had the bonnet-shoes and gloves to finish off her outfit. I can remember thinking how cute she looked all dressed up.
Some people have memories of eating a sunrise breakfast early in the morning. We never did the sunrise breakfast as a child. Since we lived out in the country and Dad was still feeding cattle we were doing well to make it to Sunday school and church on time. I never really got into the sunrise breakfast since we ate breakfast at sunrise most mornings anyway. We would have lunch with the grandparents, Aunt Theo and Uncle David at one of our homes. When Jim got in the family and we ate at Uncle David’s. Aunt Theo fixed a wonderful meal that usually consisted of at least two different meats. One meat was something we would consider common, such as ham, turkey, or chicken then she would fix something a little different like- lamb or duck. Jim said that Aunt Theo was an exotic cook. That really tickled Aunt Theo since she was a humble person and did not consider herself a skilled cook. Actually, she was a very good cook and we loved going to her home.
We are looking forward to next year as we will have a little grandbaby to share the holidays. Jim has already told me that he wants to continue his grandmother’s tradition of making sure the grandkids have plenty of candy for Easter. He can remember that his grandmother always sent them a goodie box each year. That was a special memory for him; so next year - look out Chelsea the Easter Bunny is a comin’.

April 7, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
There are several things that you do not want to be without during a snow storm. Even though last week I told you that I was convinced that Jim is trying to kill me; I would not ever want to be without his help or company. He is very helpful and resourceful in difficult situations. I have said many times that I married much better than he did.
Last week when the snow was deep - we were trying to get the tractor out to the alfalfa bales. Now this may not sound like a problem to some of you- but when the dog got stuck in a snow drift you can imagine how hard it would be to get a tractor around in the snow. As we were working on getting the cows fed, we heard the most glorious sound. It was the sound of the Comanche County road grader equipped with the snowplow on the front. I am not sure the County knows how much we appreciate all of their efforts. It was so wonderful to be able to get down the road. I thought that if we had had an emergency I do not know how we could have gotten help. Because there was no way to get out- we were really stuck. Since the county had cleared the road we decided that we could get to the cattle on the highway. The State road crew did a remarkable job, as well. Jim was ahead of me in the tractor and I was in the 4 wheel-drive truck with the cake and a bale of feed. I needed to get off the highway so I followed Jim into the pasture- not my best idea. I got stuck in the driveway of the pasture- this is when I realized that my 4-wheel drive was not working. A working 4-wheel-drive is a must in the snow and mud. So I was stuck and Jim was not entirely happy with me, I was not too thrilled either. Jim was getting ready to pull me out when one of the State road men stopped to see if we needed help or if we needed to use his chain. We had what we needed but it was a so nice to know that he was willing to help us out of a tight spot. He cleared a path for us which was most helpful and appreciated.
I have been known to give my son, Jeff, a really hard time, and I tease him unmercifully- But when push comes to shove I can count on him to help me out. After Jim went back to work I took the truck in to get the 4 wheel-drive fixed. Jeff and Tyson got the truck repaired - Feeling powerful once again I tried to go through a snow drift that I should have left alone. I buried the truck--- again- so I called Jeff and he came and pulled me out. His truck is not much to look at but it will do the job that needs to be done.
We were fortunate that we kept power and our phones. So with the power staying on- the phones were in working order- the County and State workers going beyond the call of duty- my husband helping me -my son willing to keep me going- What more could a girl ask for?

March 31, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
The weather man was right about the snow- he missed on how much we were to get- the last I heard on Thursday was 8 to 12 inches- not 24 to 28 inches- I must admit I thought that he was way off base and that the snow would be minimal. I was really wrong- Since we had the snow- Jim and I have had a lot of time together- During this time I have decided that Jim really is trying to kill me and when he does it will look like an accident. No one will ever be able to prove him guilty.
I have found out that I am in horrible physical shape. It is bad when the wife makes deeper tracks in the snow than her husband. We had to do things quite differently than our every day chores. We feed alfalfa round bales to our cows- which is wonderful when you can get to the bales. We have another group of cattle that we care for that gets cake (protein pellets) everyday. That is never a problem as we have an over head dispenser and it works wonderful as long as you can get under it to fill your caker or buckets. Well, we could not get to the bale pile and to get to the cake dispenser was a little tricky and impossible for the truck to get to and the tractor just did not work for this particular task- this is the part where I know that Jim is out to get me. In order to fill our buckets you must be able to turn the pipe that opens and shuts the cake dispenser. Since I am a weenie arm I cannot turn it while hanging on the ladder. Jim said that he can turn it off and on if I could stand underneath and catch the cake- Since it is quite a distance; and the cake falls at a high rate of speed and tends to fall in a scattered fashion and it is difficult-no impossible to catch each and every pellet. So I needed to be up closer to the opening- Jim put two empty buckets upside down on the ground and told me to hop there and hold another empty bucket over my head to catch the falling pellets. After seeing that the buckets were a little wobbly and I was still a little too far away from where I needed to be- he decided that he could ‘help’ me even farther by placing a 4x 6 wooden block on top of the buckets. Then he told me that this would be much better and would take to wobbly out of the buckets plus it made me that much higher. Yeah- higher to break my neck- and taking the wobble out was not entirely true. After filling a couple of buckets he said that maybe I should take the block of wood off the buckets. I thought removing the block was the best idea he had all day. We did get to all of the cows and they seemed happy to see us- even happier to have some dry food to eat. Everything worked out- the cows are happy and we could go home and rest well after a hard days work.
All I can say it was wonderful to have all of the moisture of the snow and the beautiful weather that followed after the storm. For all of this I am especially grateful.

March 24, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
One way of marking time is counting how many vehicles you have owned through the years. To some people the automobile is just a form of transportation to others it is a way to show your style and character. My dad used his vehicles as a tool or a means to an end. I do not think that he ever washed the inside windshield and he never worried about a dent or scratch. Mom on the other hand always tried to keep the family car neat and clean. Living twenty- three miles out in the country and 19 of those miles were on gravel roads our car was dusty more often than not. While I was growing up Dad taught me to love horses, but my brother, Virgil, showed me how to appreciate the sound of a smooth running engine.
Dad and I would saddle up and ride and Dad would show me how to get pleasure from the canter of a well-bred horse. It is not that we raised exquisite equine but he broke many horses for other people. Some of those people paid a lot of money for a good horse. So I had the opportunity to see different kinds of horses. When I would fall in love with one that he was breaking- I would try to get Dad to buy it for us. That is when he would explain that we could not afford to spend that kind of money for something that we already had. But when I would tell him that I liked the other better than what we had already in the corral- That is the time that I would get the talk on being practical and that I should be happy that I had the chance to ride such an animal. It was hard to understand but deep down I knew he was right, but that did not keep me from wishing that the owners would forget that they had left their horse with us. They always came for their horse and I would ride it for the last time and show them how well the horse responded to its training.
Virgil would let me go with him sometimes after he had worked hard on getting a vehicle to run. We would sit in the car or truck- in the front yard and he would rev the engine and ask me if I could hear whether it was missing out or not. He taught me how to listen to the engine and try to understand what it was trying to tell us. Whether it was getting enough gas or too much- He got as big a kick out of a hot rod that Dad did out of a quarter horse. So between the two of them they ruined me. I love hooves and wheels- none of which is a money maker more of a money taker.
Back to marking time by the cars that you have owned. When I dated Jim - he had a beautiful red Mercury Cyclone with white interior and had a 351 Cleveland engine. I loved that car even though it had electrical problems- when Jim traded it in for a Ford Pinto- I was crushed. I know that it was a lot cheaper to run- but --it was soooo coool. Jim has always been more practical than me. I wished we still had the Cyclone as there were not many of them made and they are collector’s item now. My first car was a Chevy Vega- then after Jim and I got married we bought our only brand new car- a black and silver 1978 Mercury Cougar XR7. Oh, I thought we had really done it. We have had several cars- and each one holds a special time in our lives. Maybe things have not changed all that much since the early years of our grandparents- I am sure they could have marked time by the different teams of horses, buggies, and wagons. Funny how different we think things are or are they?

March 17, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
Spring break is finally here. Jim is off for the week and we have all kinds of things that we would like to get accomplished by the weekend. Jennifer is home for the first time since she left for Hays in January. It was good to see her and hear about all of her classes and her stories about working at Wal-mart.
I met my neighbor on the road today and stopped to visit with her and she reminded me that it was St. Patrick’s Day. I had not given it a second thought. St. Patrick’s Day is the day that we are to wear green- eat corned beef and cabbage- and most importantly we are to plant potatoes. My Grandma Cary always had a large garden with all kinds of vegetables and two rows of flowers. One year that sticks in my mind is the year she had Charlie Lenertz plow her garden for her as he had a ford tractor that would fit in her garden and he was able to plow the ground up for her. Then we had to rake it all down. Granddad must have not been well and able to help, but Mom and Dad and I were there to lend a helping hand. Dad got Grandma the seed potatoes and they cut them up so they would be ready to plant. This particular year we planted potatoes by the light of the moon on St. Patrick’s Day. I thought that was kind of odd since we did not plant anything else at night and we were to wait at least to the 15th of April to plant the rest of the garden. Grandma always wore a gardening hat and gloves. She wore a hat she got when we went to California in Disneyland. It was an aqua blue and white straw hat with a large brim and the scarf that went around the top part of the hat, then down through two holes in the brim and she tied it under her chin. Of course, she always wore a corset, a dress and stockings to whether she was to work in the yard, garden or if she was going to town. I do not think that she ever owned a pair of tennis shoes- she usually wore black leather shoes with a small heel. She was quite a lady.
I have said before that I do not plant a garden as it would be wasted time and money as I would kill it before it even got started. But with the economy the way that is now maybe I should put in a little more effort and try a little harder. But maybe this is just the Spring Fever talking. I always think that I will do better this year - but then the hot summer winds blow and it is just plain hot out, the plants wilt down and the weeds sprout up and the fun of the garden is lost and I no longer have to desire to keep it going. But Grandma never lost her zeal to keep puttering around with the plants, hoses, fighting the heat, the bugs and the gophers. What can I say- she was just a better woman than me.

March 10, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
March is here and the wind is certainly blowing. Most of the time when you think of March you remember the saying that if March comes in like a lion it will go out like a lamb- or in like a lamb and out like a lion. I think that it is more lion than lamb, at least so far. I went to Ruidoso New Mexico to help with a surprise birthday party for my brother-in-law, Randy Widener. The wind blew and the thistles were on the move. By the time I reached my destination, there were several thistles embedded in the grill of my car.
Randy and Vickie’s kids put the party on and the middle girl, Casey, was the one who organized it and made sure everything was just right. She found Randy’s old roommate, and invited him and his wife to the festivities. They accepted and they were delightful company. Come to find out they live in McPherson and he had ridden horseback on the Merrill Ranch when they had the benefit trail rides. The unusual thing is that he had lost his leg due to a motorcycle accident several years ago, but he still loves to ride horseback. He does not, however, ride a motorcycle often. I found him to be inspirational.
Sunday afternoon I spent with my niece Casey, her son Gage, and my other nephew Little John, Sheila and John Martin’s son. We decided that we should fly kites. It has been years since I tried to get a kite in the air. I was wishing that Jim was with me as he is very good at getting kites in the air and keeping them there. I never was very good at that sort of thing. Come to think of it neither was Dad. I do not think that he ever flew a kite with me, but if memory serves me correctly he tried with Vickie and Virgil. To make a long story short - Vernie was not ever intended to fly a kite. I have been accused of being somewhat like my dad - and in this case- it is true. We were in Casey’s back yard and we had assembled the kites- even though the outside of the bag said the kites were flight ready- we still had to put them together. It was fairly windy out and we thought that we could get them up in no time. WRONG! Yes, the wind was blowing but not consistently. It would gust then die down to nothing. We would just about get the kites in the air and above the house then we would lose the wind and the kites would come down. I was getting disgusted and so was Little John, so I decided that we should go to the front of the house- I thought that the house was blocking the wind. I took Little John to front of the house which is a large gravel rock driveway - Casey and Gage joined us. I thought that I would show Little John how to get the kite in the air- finally- but instead-- well-- I got the kite started going up and I started to run but in order to know how much string to let out, you have to see if the kite is on it’s way up- so that means that you run while looking backwards- I was doing pretty well but what I did not know was that Manny, Casey husband, had dug a small trench for rain run off. Yes- you have - I hit the trench fell and went *** over teakettle. After the dust settled and the laughter of my loving and caring niece- who was in my will- asked if I was hurt- only my pride and of course, my knees. I think that Manny may have to haul in some more gravel as I think I dented their driveway. After it seemed that it was not the day to put the kites in flight- Little John asked if he could go inside and play- I thought that was a wonderful idea. After all of that excitement I think it is really true there is no place like home-

March 3, 2009

Country Gal by Vanita Blundell
Pinocchio had Jiminy Cricket to help him make decisions. I always thought that he was Pinocchio’s conscience but maybe he was more than that. Maybe he was also a warning system as well. I think that I need Jiminy to follow me around. What has lead to me to this conclusion is that with dad’s devils sitting on every fence post just waiting to jab me and keep me in total chaos, I feel that I need Jiminy. Perhaps even more than Pinocchio. Let me explain what happened. I was feeling rather frisky the other day. The weather has been so nice and I was starting to get a little spring fever. I went to the feed store to pick up some salt blocks and some calf feed. I have done this many, many times so I am not unaccustomed to what I need to do. I backed to truck to the dock and got out visited with the feed man telling him what I needed. When I got on the dock and I noticed that I left about a foot or so gap between the back of the truck and the dock. Sensing that I should go back down and back it closer to the dock- but I thought that I would be careful and it would not be necessary. Since the feed man did not say anything I figured it would be fine. I helped him load the salt blocks in my feeble way, thinking how good I was feeling. I was putting the sacked feed on the back- not as quickly as the feed man was but for an old fat woman I felt I was doing fairly well. While I was patting myself on my back, (figuratively speaking), I grabbed a sack of feed went to put my foot on the back of the truck and only found air. I fell off the dock. Talk about a humiliating experience not to mention painful. I thought that maybe the earth shook and might have gone out of orbit. I bounced back up that told the concerned man that I was fine, thinking that after I got back in the truck I just might die. But actually, it did not hurt me near as bad as I thought it should. Before anyone thinks that the feed store clerk should have done something different that is certainly not the case. I heard that still small teeny-tiny voice that said I should have backed the truck closer to the dock- so it was no ones fault but my own- Reflecting back I am so grateful that I was the one to take the tumble rather than the feed man. I would have felt really bad and it would have been my responsibility. I guess that I do have a Jiminy Cricket but like Pinocchio I did not listen to him. I have a couple of t-shirts that I like to wear- one says ‘I know that the voices are not real but they have some really good ideas’ and then I have another one the reads ‘Four out of five voices say eat the chocolate’. I think that maybe we should stop a listen to our own ‘Jiminy’s’ and maybe there will be a lot less pain in the world. Possibly there is hope for me and someday -maybe just maybe -I will become a real girl.

Feb. 16, 2009

I feel the need to give you a Valentine report. This year I did not have to buy my own roses- Jim and the kids sent me 6 beautiful roses. Life is good at the Blundell household.
Since it has been unseasonably warm I am expecting the Killdeers to show up early this year. The little bird is due to be seen running up and down the creek bottoms and running around the stock tanks on the 20th of February. I hope that he does not show up just to freeze his little tail feathers off, but that has not stopped him before.
We had the pleasure of the company of Jim’s Uncle Larry and Aunt Pasty Blundell Sunday evening. They live in south-western Colorado. It is so much fun to visit with them. They spent the night with us as they were going to a funeral in Greensburg on Monday afternoon. Larry has the most entertaining stories. Then Aunt Pasty tells us what really happened. He has the same kind of luck that we have endured through the years and does not mind telling us about the predicaments he finds himself. Some of them are really funny now that we know that he survived. He married very well, Aunt Pasty is a gem. She is a great rancher’s wife and Larry actually appreciates all that she does for him. Their children do not live too far away so Larry and Pasty get to enjoy the grandkids. Since Larry grew up in the Springfield area he has other family close by as well. On their ranch they have elk, antelope, deer and all kinds of wildlife with all kinds of stories that pertain to each species. They have about three times as many cattle as we have but they have eight or nine times more land than we operate. One of Jeff’s favorite stories is how they feed cattle in extreme conditions. When they need to feed the cattle in an emergency, such as blizzards, they burn the needles off of the prickly pear cactus with propane burners for the cattle to eat. But with the cost of propane, it is not as feasible as it was years ago. Uncle Larry was telling us about burning the cactus needles and how the cattle really like to eat the once pokey plant, but he said that it was not as much fun as it sounds. I might no know much-- but I do know that does not sound like fun.

Feb. 10, 2009

Valentines Day is upon us once again. Romance is in the air or so they say. The guineas are running in circles and chasing each other. At our house we say that it is ‘twitter-paitting’ season. The term comes from the Disney movie ‘Bambi’. Soon there will be a guinea sitting on a nest full of eggs then the little hatchlings will show themselves. Ah- the circle of life.
I just love the comic strip the ‘Lockhorns’, the TV sitcom ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’, ‘Two and Half Men’ and other shows that people get themselves in a predicament and in thirty short minutes they resolve the issues in a odd and comical ways. It seems that I take a lot of pleasure in other people’s misery.
Misery loves company or so the story goes- My story is not so much misery as Achhhhh!
Jim came into the kitchen and noticed that I had the silk roses he had given me a year or so ago. These roses have been out most all of the time- but he chose this week to let me know that they look as good now as they did when he gave them to me- Having spent 32 Valentine Days with this man I knew just exactly what he was getting at- I told that they were very nice but I am sure the flowers that I pick out for myself and let him pay for will be just as pretty. I am learning a few tricks of my own.
The other day I received a little ‘ditty’ that I found entertaining I hope that you do, too. It is entitled ‘And then the fight started…’ the author is unknown.
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station. And then the fight started... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" Nah, she can order for herself." And then the fight started... A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.' And then the fight started..... My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday and then the fight started..... A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!' The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?' And then the fight started..... Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?' And then the fight started…